Myths And Misunderstandings About Selective Mutism
Q&A With Shay Every Other Sunday
I’d like to start talking more about selective mutism this year, not only because it’s been a big part of my life and who I am, but because I will also have a poetry collection releasing about my experiences, feelings, and turmoil with this anxiety disorder. I don’t have an exact release date yet (the collection isn’t even close to finished) but you can subscribe to my newsletter at the the bottom of this post to stay updated on all writing news.
Sometimes selective mutism feels so complex and I go through times of not understanding it myself, so it’s no wonder the majority of people who have actually heard of it don’t fully understand it either. That doesn’t make it any less frustrating, though.
Q: What are common myths and misunderstandings about selective mutism?
A: For starters, most people haven’t even heard of selective or situational mutism. It’s not a commonly discussed subject as it’s a fairly “niche” anxiety disorder. It is a type of social anxiety—probably the most extreme. Then, for many who have heard of it they have a lot of misinformation about it because they haven’t experienced it and many don’t even know someone who has experienced it. Or if they do then they don’t know that’s what the person is suffering from, because * shocker * the person cannot express their struggles.
So, let’s try to sort out some of these myths and misinformation.
People with SM are being stubborn or choosing not to speak
Selective mutism is not a choice. The “fight, flight, or freeze” response is triggered in select social scenarios and a person with SM will freeze, making it physically impossible for them to speak in the moment. Sometimes it goes even beyond speech because the “freeze” response is so severe. They will even encounter their mind going completely blank and be frozen altogether. This still happens to me occasionally where even though I can physically respond most of the time now, whereas I used to not be able to, I’ll sometimes still flounder on what to say because I can only think about not wanting to have to speak, so my mind is going blank in certain areas. This is the point I cannot stress enough that I truly don’t think people who don’t have experience with this understand: Selective mutism is not a choice.
They don’t have anything to say
It’s actually quite the opposite of this. Many who struggle with selective mutism are thought to be “boring” or “dumb” or just not have anything worth saying, but I’ve found they actually probably have the most interesting things to say if only they felt comfortable. This is in part because those who are selective mute listen very intently and analyze. I often have so many thoughts and ideas about things that I just don’t express and I always wish I could. Interacting with someone who has SM takes patience and a desire to get to know them past their disorder. You will hear about a lot of interesting experiences and takes if you put in the effort and don’t treat someone differently, allowing them to open up when they’re ready.
They will grow out of it
My selective mutism was much worse when I was younger. I would even say I have outgrown it altogether, in fact I do usually say that even though I still have strong social anxiety. Sometimes I’m not entirely sure I have “outgrown” it though, it has just become less severe even if it hardly feels like it because certain scenarios are still so troubling. Often times in the right atmosphere a selective mute child will make developments and progress, but that doesn’t mean the disorder magically goes away. It might come up in certain situations no matter how old they are and no matter how much progress they have made. And, in more severe cases they may not outgrow it all. There are all different levels of this anxiety like with any mental health concern. And this brings us to the next point about how supportive environments can make all the difference.
They’ll speak if pressure is put upon them to do so
This is something I had to endure a lot of when I was younger, and I’m sure every selective mute or socially anxious person, especially as children, has stories about the horrible pressures that were put on them to speak. This was most common with my teachers who tried to force the words out of me (I’m not saying all of them did by any means, but I had plenty of teachers who tried to force participation and “normalcy”). The pressures extended to some family members and friends as well, and unsurprisingly I was never able to speak comfortably with the ones who tried to get me to without letting me ease into comfort and feel “safe” on my terms. You cannot bribe or force someone out of their selective mutism, and more often than not, if you try the condition will probably worsen. Not only is this approach insensitive, traumatic, and disrespectful, it’s extremely harmful to the path of progress that is the ultimate goal for someone struggling with this. Supportiveness is the only answer for those who have a loved one with any anxiety disorder or mental health concern in their lives.
It’s a form of autism
Many people think this because some of the indicators and responses are similar like avoiding eye contact, and often times autistic individuals cannot speak either, but autism is pervasive whereas selective mutism is not. It’s definitely possible that someone could have both, but they are two entirely different disorders.
It’s only caused by trauma
There are cases in which traumatic events could cause a child to no longer speak, but that’s not the only cause of selective mutism. In fact, that type of response will often be referred to as traumatic mutism and be treated differently. Plenty of people who have selective mutism have simply always struggled with it and there wasn’t necessarily a trigger that caused it to occur. There are environments that could either worsen it or contribute to improvement, but it doesn’t mean they were the cause of it in the first place.
Selective mute is just a fancy way of saying shy
Many who are selective mute are also shy. I’d say I’m probably shy in addition to the selective mutism, but sometimes I’m not really sure. This is one of the aspects about it that gets confusing for me, and I’ll state that I’m not an expert on this at all. I am just one person who has experienced this and I’m trying to make sense of it like anyone else would with their own struggles. Many of my friends used to think it was funny how I’d be so loud and outgoing in home and hangout scenarios but couldn’t speak at all in school. Selective mutism was even less known at that time than it is now, so I didn’t know that’s what I struggled with when I was younger. I’m not sure I would have been able to make sense of it even if I did. But I have heard many stories about those who have SM and how they are not shy at all but they still freeze in certain situations with their words. I think it was beyond that in my case and I was/am also shy, but I suppose in many ways I’m not. I can speak to those I’m comfortable with freely, but I do still feel awkward in many scenarios even if I have spent a lot of time with the people I’m with. And I have trouble expressing certain emotions or feelings to even those I am comfortable with, so maybe I’m both shy and not. Or maybe I’m not and it’s still my SM lingering in those situations. I’ll have to think about that more and read about the experiences of others. I always describe myself as shy because I feel like it’s easier and much less complex because everyone understands what it means to be shy even if selective mutism goes way beyond that. If you have SM, I’d like to know what you think about this point specifically, so please send me a message!
They all understand their disorder
As briefly mentioned above, I still struggle to understand this, which is one of the reasons I now question whether I have even overcome it fully or if I have just made progress because I’m older and out of school. School was always the worst situation for my SM and the main place it was triggered. I didn’t understand it at all at the time when it was most prevalent—my whole childhood up until about age 9. I’m always so impressed and almost jealous of these accounts I see on Instagram and online of young people sharing their experiences with selective mutism and how self-aware they seem to be about what they’re going through. They have goals and plans for how they approach teachers and describe their experience to others, whereas I always just tried to pretend or hide. In addition to needing more help for myself at that time, those around me needed education on the topic, too. I wish I had more resources and people who understood it when I needed it because maybe it would have made school a bit more tolerable. But, I can only hope now to be a voice (ha-ha, a written one!) in the community and share some information and experiences that other younger individuals might find helpful.
If you or someone you know struggles with selective mutism or severe social anxiety and you want to talk more about it, ask any questions, etc. you can always reach out through the contact page on this site!
