What will you take with you from your twenties into your thirties?

Q&A With Shay Each Sunday

First, in the spirit of this blog and moving to the next chapter, this will be my last post of 2019. I look forward to returning for more Q&A fun in a few weeks in the New Year! Now, enjoy a look back on the decade along with me.

This was right after my 20th birthday in NYC. I always do something Christmas-related for my birthday.

Tomorrow is my 30th birthday! I bid goodbye to the decade that were my twenties. In anticipation of my 30th birthday I started thinking about how long a decade really is and how much happens in those ten years. I, like everyone else, do not really like getting older at this point and I have not been looking forward to turning 30, but rather than being completely down about it I thought I’d look back on what I have accomplished and learned in my twenties and what I can leave behind or bring with me into my thirties. Pictured throughout this post are some various twenties shots—mainly my early 20s, they’re not really the “highlights” but some random ones—just before I’m forced out of the twenties club. Technically my birth TIME isn’t until 11-something (I’m not sure anyone knows exactly) at night so I’ll stay 29 as long as I can in these remaining hours.

Q: What will you take with you from your twenties into your thirties?

A: Before I really tackle this question fully I want to take a look back on all that happened in my twenties. I’ll reminisce on the good and the accomplishments, and even what was incredibly painful—and the failure.

Here I am at my graduation from the MFA program at Sarah Lawrence College. Age 25.

It’s strange to me that all this took place in my twenties since some of it was so long ago but I actually accomplished a lot. I graduated from Tulane University with my bachelor’s degree. I graduated from Sarah Lawrence College with my master’s degree. I published my first book (this is an accomplishment I typically downgrade because I have been looking at it as only a book of poetry). I wrote two novels in my twenties though, even if they have yet to be published. I guess I had thought they should have been published by now, but writing them at all was still an accomplishment and they will be out in the world in my thirties for sure!

I had many short stories published throughout those ten years. My very first short story that was published (was horrible) was in 2011. I even started this very blog when I had never wanted to write a blog before. It has been fun for the most part and helped clarify some of my thoughts, as well as keep me on a schedule where I’m constantly producing even if it is only in the form of blog posts.

I started my editing business and although not always terribly profitable, I have made a lot of connections and established relationships with clients and peers that I never would have crossed paths with otherwise.

They told me I was funny. Age 26.

I moved around a few times—from New Orleans, to Bronxville, back home to the Hamptons, and then to Columbia, SC, which won’t be my last stop either. I have made some new friends. Actually most of my current friends are either from college or after. I was part of my sister’s wedding, which was a great day, and I even gave a speech. I was part of another friend’s wedding, and went to all the weddings I’ve ever been to so far in my twenties. I got my first niece! I got my very first dog as a pet. I had the majority of my tattoos done, and there will be more of those in my thirties too because you’re never too old for tattoos if you want them (learn about mine so far here)!

In a bittersweet turn of events, I let go of my first love, which was tennis. I know I can still always play if I want, but it’ll never be the same as it was and I wouldn’t want it to be. I discovered my love of writing though, never having explored it too much before my twenties. I also met Pat in my twenties, another monumental event I suppose.

Me on the court at Tulane in some of my last years of competitive tennis. Age 20.

I suffered the biggest betrayal I ever could have imagined and had to endure the heartbreak of the loss of my best friend, and an entire family that had come to be my own basically since birth. It’s difficult for me to think that those ties were cut in my twenties, and now going into my thirties they will be clean from the decade to come. But, I have had five years to reflect on what kind of person I want to be and who I want to surround myself with after that.

This is the day Pat and I met (at Santacon—that’s a story for a different time) right after my 23rd birthday.

I lost my cat Licorice, who was my best friend since I was four years old, and I guess he was actually with me through three decades. I also lost my cat Oscar, and my parents’ cat Spike. And thinking back on it now, we lost my cat Nike when I was twenty. So, that was basically all the cats I had ever had other than one (Timmy) in one decade. And then I got my dog, Bernie! My twenties were big for pets I guess (if you want to learn more about my furry friends, here’s that blog post).

Licorice—in his Santa suit—and me right after my 25th birthday (note the cast) and little Oscar in the background.

A few of my jobs came and went, none of which I was terribly passionate about so I’m good leaving those in my twenties. I broke a bone, exactly five years ago because I did it on my 25th birthday, right at that mid-way point. There has to be some sort of symbolism there, doesn’t there? Plus, that wrist break ended up being my inspiration for my second novel Fractured, so honestly, I’m so thankful it happened. I had a few surgeries, actually all my surgeries (only three, including my tonsils), other than my wisdom teeth were done in my twenties. I have also been undergoing a long term procedure for my jaw alignment and airway that I will be bringing with me into my thirties.

I endured a lot of rejection, specifically in the publishing and literary world in my twenties, and I know there will be plenty more to come in my thirties. But it has helped pave the road to get me to this point and will continue to do so. I am a lot more established as a writer now, really all of my establishing has been done in the last five years or so.

I have read A LOT of books, definitely the majority of books I have read in my life were in my twenties. I went to a ton of concerts, many of which were some of my favorite bands who were popular in the decade I grew up—the nineties! I’ve watched so many new shows, that were actually old shows, because of the continuing rise of streaming.

My health habits have changed a ton over the course of ten years. I have been a vegetarian my whole life but in the last few years I have also become mostly vegan. Since I don’t play tennis anymore, all of my fitness isn’t only training for tennis. Now, my fitness routines are fun and they’re for me! I certainly do not wake up at 4:30 a.m. anymore to work out. I have found a lot of group exercise classes that I love throughout my twenties, some of my favorites include pure barre, barre3, and orange theory. I think I’ll be kicking off my 30th birthday with an orange theory class.

Here I am at Virginia Woolf’s house in England. Age 20.

Interestingly, I realized that I went on two trips to Europe in my twenties. (The only other one was to Ireland when I was 19). One trip to England when I was twenty, right at the start of the decade, and one to Sweden, Norway, and Iceland when I was 29, just a few months before turning 30. Cool bookends to my twenties for sure! That trip to England was also the beginning of my journey into the English world because I went there on a study abroad to study English authors. I also went on a trip to Israel with my sister in between when I was 23, another great experience.

I have changed a lot as a person over the course of the last decade, and in many other ways I haven’t changed at all. I took many steps forward and plenty backward, but never starting over from scratch. In some ways I’m the same as I was when I was young and that’s something I’ll have to continue to work on because it’s both a good and a bad thing. I feel like I may have become more sensitive over the course of the last ten years, possibly due to all the heartache, and also all the time spent with my own thoughts…writing. I also feel I may be more fearful now, which is maybe natural with age. I have always been more sensitive and filled with fear in general but there were many years in my early-mid twenties where I was much more carefree. I’d probably say that the first five years of my twenties were more fun, but I can only assume that’s normal. Plus, after the loss of my best friend before I turned 25, and my graduation from Sarah Lawrence, I started to become a bit more down and uncertain about what came next. Then, going on to move away from New York and enduring a lot of rejections it has been difficult. But, I hope to bring about new fun and more successes in my thirties.

In a way my birthday comes at an interesting time because I was born at the very end of 1989, which means my decades pretty much go along with the regular decades as well. I enter my thirties just before we all enter the 20s (though they probably won’t be as cool as the 1920s. Gatsby, anyone?) I also realized that I have celebrated a lot of the birthdays in my twenties with different people and groups of friends in a lot of different places.

Left: Age 20. Right: Age 29. A lot of people are doing these decade side-by-sides on social media, so here’s mine. I’m glad angled bangs aren’t popular anymore. I learned to tone it down on eyeliner thankfully, too. I look like more of a grownup, though not sure if I feel like more of one sometimes. Also, I still have that jacket and wear it often; I had no idea it was ten years old.

My 21st birthday with a Long Island iced tea as an ode to my home. I do not like Long Island iced tea, there are far too many ingredients.

A lot has changed in the outside world over the last decade as well. The most obvious being technology. I have actually had an iPhone for my entire twenties, I got my first when I was 18. But, oh, how that one phone has changed over those years! I used to carry a digital camera around with me because the phone camera was terrible and you couldn’t even rotate the screen for selfies (point made: the twenty-year-old me photo above was with a digital camera, the twenty-nine-year-old—iPhone selfie). The upgrades that continue to happen are amazing. Social media has progressed tons in the last several years. I didn’t get an Instagram account until my early twenties. I think it only came out ten years ago, but now it’s my favorite social media. I have three accounts if you count my dog’s (give him a follow here because he’s far more interesting). That’s another thing that has happened over the last decade—the rise of the dogstagram. And I follow ALL OF THEM. Instagram as a whole has morphed a lot too, it’s now used for marketing and influencing and following celebs (and dogs) when we used to just follow friends. Plus, it really impacts the way we present ourselves to the public, which I feel is mainly a negative though there can be some positives gleaned. There’s a lot of opportunity to support each other through social media, with fundraising and otherwise, but there’s also the flipside where there’s opportunity to tear each other down or feel less than. (All the photos throughout this post are unfiltered in the spirit of my early twenties where filters weren’t yet popular!) There were also way too many pictures to choose from in my twenties because we just take pictures freely now. It’s kind of like the pictures are the experience more than the experience, like the popular saying, “Pics or it didn’t happen.”

I feel like popular music hasn’t changed a ton in the last ten years actually, which is strange. Maybe people would totally disagree with me on that but it seems the culture has been going pretty strong on pop for a while now. There are still a lot of great musicians in other genres that have made the rise, of course. My favorite music will always be the music of my decade growing up—nineties grunge.

We have had two vastly different presidents in my twenties/over the last decade. And in the spirit of our current president, we’ve been part of the rise of reality TV stars. We have been bombarded with information—false and true—and sensory overload like never before. Activism is a huge deal now and we are making a lot of strides culturally, as well as there being so many platforms and opportunities for people to express themselves and their ideas, which is both good and bad because you can pretty much backup any idea you want if you search it on the Internet. Plus, like I said, rise of reality stars—anyone can be an influencer and I don’t necessarily think anyone should be. Though there are a ton of great influencers that we wouldn’t have known about if not for the WWW.

I just learned this fact the other day, but apparently the World Wide Web was introduced in 1989, the year I was born. I had no idea because I always grew up with the Internet even though it wasn’t anything like it is today. It was all about AIM back then and I miss that, but the moral of the story is that definitely makes me feel kind of old. Can you believe how much the WWW has changed in 30 years??

Now, with all the recapping and looking back, it’s time to look forward. As I move into my thirties I will take with me all that I have learned about the writing and publishing industry and the way I have continued to develop my writing craft. Professionally, I am much more experienced and I like that it’s an industry you can never know everything about and you can always continue to grow. It’s encouraging and frustrating at the same time, but how boring it would be to know everything.

I will take my compassion, passion, and tenacity with me. I have learned a lot about the type of person I am and who I want to be. I think that’s really what the twenties are for, honestly. We are all trying to figure it out for so long, progressing from college life into the real world, and learning a lot about ourselves along the way. I know who I am and who I want to be for the most part, but it still takes work to live up to that everyday, to not crumble beneath pressure and become paralyzed by my anxiety. Also, to find—and exert—my voice.

I do not believe that turning thirty is going to be some magical moment where I’m suddenly more comfortable in my skin and wiser. These are almost like New Years Resolutions and I’m sure I’ll falter, but knowing who I (and anyone in general) want to be and choosing to act on it will be a daily challenge. I’m sure I’ll feel very much the same once I turn thirty, but I always want to strive for betterment, and I have been planting the seeds along the way.

I will leave behind the betrayals and bitterness. I will work to see the good over the bad, and judge less. I will also aim to give more without attaching expectations. This is easier said than done, and it’s something a lot of us work toward. We have standards for how we want to be treated, but at some point we have to stop living in the past and blaming the past for where we are now, because we can move forward and toward our goals despite the past. We can be kind without expecting that everyone will be kind back. The past makes us who we are, and my twenties have molded me into the person I will be in my thirties. I’m a work in progress just like the rest of us (and just like my books—ugh).

I will leave behind my doubts (just kidding, that can never happen fully) but I’ll face them and persist anyway. I am indecisive and have a hard time “just doing it.” So, this is something I’ll be more aware of going forward, especially with my writing career. I like to keep the quote in mind from Einstein: “A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.”

I won’t bother talking about little habits I want to break or minute things to accomplish in my thirties. I will overall be looking at the big picture and trying to remind myself to act in accordance with my goals daily.

As Jennifer Garner said: “Thirty, Flirty, and Thriving.” (But I was still 29 here!)

I’m thankful for all the experiences I had in my twenties, and although not always happy with my position in life currently, I’m ready for what comes next. Here’s my official hello to thirty.

Thank you all for a great year full of Q&As. I’m ready for another amazing one ahead come January. Have a happy and healthy (well maybe not healthy foodwise. There are Christmas cookies to be eaten) New Year! See you when I’m thirty—in the next decade.

Here I am at 29, where I have spent a lot of 29—in my computer writing and editing. I have changed my hair a lot over the course of my twenties, too, something that won’t change in my thirties. Well, my hair will I mean—that’s not reserved for the twenties.

There was my staple of blonde—highlights, bleached blonde, darker blonde, then a few of my many forays into brown and even black, red, purple, pink streaks, blue streaks, brown and blonde balayages, and now I’m heading into the thirties with something blue.